Four Months

Four months ago. We met Bailey four months ago. She was such a tiny, reserved little girl, barely walking, unable to understand us. How quickly things can change.

Just four short months later Bailey is animated, walking, talking (her own language, but it's getting close!), signing, learning, all with more confidence each day. What follows is a little brag session about how much she's grown since we met her in her little Nike headband.

When we met Bailey she couldn't hold her own bottle.  Now, she's helping herself to some corn on the cob!

We've talked a lot about how much Bailey signs and we finally have some video evidence! She's taken some liberties in revising the signs a bit, but we know what she means!

She even likes to brush her teeth!

We've recently enjoyed a number of firsts with Bailey in addition to the corn on the cob...

First trip to the zoo and first carousel ride!

First ride in a wagon...with Abby!

And the first dinner date for me and Jenny since we brought Bailey home. Jenny surprised me with a nice dinner out and we left a sleeping Bailey at home with a good friend!

This isn't a first, but I just can't get enough of this face. :-)

Mother's Day - part 2

I (Jenny) have officially hijacked the blog to brag about my husband because I know he won't.  My first Mother's Day with Bailey home was made super special when I woke up to this:

Breakfast in bed!  Did you notice the "flowers" in the bowl?  Yup, Travis Cramer rocked some origami with dollars (and Euros!) for a day of pampering for me.  Massage, here I come!  My first question was, "Did you learn how to do that on Pinterest?"  He assured me that no, Pinterest will forever be my domain and I think I'm okay with that :)  I am so blessed to have him as my husband and as a father to Bailey.

I thought a lot that day about how Mother's Day is different for those of us that have our children through adoption.  I found this on a friend's Facebook that morning and I think it summed up my feelings well:  "Children born to another woman call me "Mom." The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me this weekend."  While Bailey's history is hers alone to share, it is safe to say that adoption always involves loss amidst the great joy. Is it weird that I forget that Bailey wasn't born to us?  I frequently forget that she had a birth mother (and maybe another family) a continent away, yet I thought about this woman a lot on Sunday.  I wonder if Bailey will grow up to look like her or have her personality or mannerisms.  I wonder what she will inherit from Travis and I, other than his sweet origami skills (who knew???).  I guess time will tell but I pray that however she turns out, she knows how fortunate I am to be called her mother, holiday or not.

Mother's Day

Sunday was a special day. Not only was it Mother's Day, we also had the opportunity to dedicate Bailey to the Lord. We're so grateful to have a church family that takes raising Godly children so seriously. Bailey made it through the dedication with just a few perfectly-timed squeals.

Mother's Day can be a difficult day for many - many that deserve to be honored and recognized for a number of reasons but yet are haunted by this day. Infertility, loss, estrangement, and other realities make this day unbearable for some. Our hearts were especially burdened for Brenda Gorman this Mother's Day. Brenda is grieving the loss of little Zia, whom the Lord called home last weekend. You can read (and please consider donating to their medical and funeral expenses) more about their story here. Their story is a testimony of the unconditional, sacrificial love a parent has for his/her child, biological or adopted. The Gormans sacrificed much to care for Zia and be the family that everyone deserves, and they were so blessed by the short time they were able to be her mom and dad.  Please remember them in your prayers as they heal and that the Lord will use this for His glory. I can't speak for them but I've added this to the list of "things I'll ask God about when I get there". 

Today was Jenny's first Mother's Day with Bailey in our arms and is a day we'll always remember. I can't help but think back over the past year. A year ago, we were waiting for our dossier to be sent off but Bailey was already very much ours in our hearts and minds. We've now had her home with us for almost 4 months and I can't really remember life without her. 

Since the day we met Bailey, I have been so impressed by Jenny, specifically in her role as a parent...just add it to the list of ways she impresses me. :-)  I'm just so blown away by the way that she seizes every opportunity to love, teach, laugh, and/or create memories with Bailey. It really is amazing to watch her. She is a teacher through and through. 

A prime example is meal time. I see meal time as a task - feed Bailey and minimize the amount of food that ends up on the floor, in her hair, or anywhere else besides her mouth. Jenny sees it as a chance for Bailey to learn - how to communicate more, thank you, all done, to identify what she's eating and items around the kitchen, etc. I'm so blessed to have a wife and partner that invests so much of herself into being a mom. She is already serving as an amazing model of a woman for Bailey and as a parent for me.  Thank you, my love, for teaching me so much.

I haven't written much because I was in Europe for 10 days. While I was gone, I swear Bailey doubled in size. Or maybe just her hair did! She's doing so well walking on her own now and pretty soon she'll be running. She is so animated and expressive, and she's very adventurous. I love the confidence she seems to have!

I don't know what parents that had to travel did before video chat - what a wonderful tool we get to use to stay connected. Although it is nowhere close in value to actually being present, it makes the days away a little bit better, and gives me an opportunity to still be there, if only for just a few minutes. 

While in Europe I was able to swap parenting stories with a few colleagues - amazing how quickly the conversation turns to "parenting POOP stories" when you get a few dads together. It's always nice to know that so many others have similar stories to laugh and learn from.

The Music in Her Head

I wish I slept this peacefully...

We got together with some other families from our agency that have recently brought home their children from DRC - we had a fun day at the Denver Museum of Nature & Science. It was fun to see Bailey with some of her old friends from the transition house!

The museum was fun, although with a 14-month old we pretty much stayed in the toddler section and hung out with Mr. Bones (a "paleo-puppeteer").

Bailey had fun looking at this bear...

...and herself in the mirrors.

But more than anything, she enjoyed dancing, this time to the music in her head.  We've seen her do this more and more, so I consider this a new learning - Bailey loves dancing to the music in her head (#103). The music may stop, but Bailey just keeps on dancing. We got some good video (see below) until the girl at the end of the video decided to video-bomb Bailey. 

It's amazing how much she's grown in the 45 days or so since we posted a video of her first steps! I knew that she would grow quickly but I guess I never comprehended just how quickly the progression would be. She is walking consistently without needing help, she's hopping a little, and moves so quickly!

What's really surprised me is how much she understands (#104). I think Jenny and I were a little concerned at first because it seemed so difficult to communicate with/to Bailey. Now she seems to understand so much - so many words, signs, emotions, expressions. I'm blown away as I just watch her observe and learn. She is a very curious little kid.

She's starting to love books (#105)! We joked that she just loved to chew them but now she'll grab one and find the nearest lap. It's easy to forget that Bailey may never have seen a book until we showed her one.

She's figured out how zippers work (#106). This is how Jenny found her this morning!

Making our mess His message

Last Sunday, Jenny and I decided to go back to church - we had not been since bringing Bailey home, except for the Easter service. We decided to try dropping Bailey off at the nursery to see how that would go. She did great!

Of course we (and by we, I mean God) picked this day to go after a few months away. Wouldn't you know it, our pastor's brother (and his wife) delivered the sermon, sharing the story of how the Lord grew their family through cancer, infertility, successful and unsuccessful IVF attempts, miscarriages, etc. - you get the point. The theme throughout their story was "Making our mess His message".

While there are many differences in our story, it is shocking how similar the emotions were as we navigated through treatments.  And it's amazing how quickly some of those same emotions can be stirred up. As a man, I'm GREAT at compartmentalizing, so infertility isn't on my mind it might be for Jenny.

You see, the pain from infertility doesn't go away. It's another one of those things that make you/us wonder what God is doing, and why. Why can't we experience the joys of physically having a child. Why do irresponsible 16 year olds all over the world get to experience it and we (so far) don't get to? Why do some couples just look at each other and somehow reproduce?? 

These questions suck. But they're a part of our story. We'll never exactly know why, and we're not giving up having faith that if God so chooses He'll bless us with the chance to have a biological child.

I do know that our story up to this point has resulted in Bailey coming home to us. Perhaps if we had tried more testing or invested more resources into other treatments, then we might've disrupted the plan for us to be united, or maybe we would've just delayed it months or years. We could have gotten in the way. Maybe we still did, but I'm confident that God was directing our thoughts and our steps throughout the process, no matter how much it hurt, and still hurts.

God planted the seed of wanting to adopt in our hearts early on in our relationship. We knew that our family makeup would include adoption. We just never knew when. It was a tough pill to swallow when we were unsuccessful, and it got even tougher as we began treatments. Jenny and I agreed that we'd exhaust our options up to a certain point (or by the time we had to declare bankruptcy, whichever came first!). Those treatments came and went, and as we were nearing the last treatment, I'd be lying if I said despair didn't set in a bit a lot.

I still remember the Sunday morning when Jenny took the pregnancy test and came out of the bathroom, obviously crushed. We both lost it regularly that day...of course we had to be at church in an hour to volunteer with the 2-3 year olds. OF COURSE WE DID.

I look back at those days and it still stings. The emotions never go away, they just lessen in time.  We had to grieve and move past the hurt and frustration so that our hearts would be ready for adoption.  We signed with an agency when we thought it was time and the rest is history. 

We are so incredibly blessed. I get to experience seeing a child not born of me light up like Christmas when I walk into the room. It is beautiful. I'm spoiled - I get to see this every day I'm home and it is quite possibly the most fulfilling thing I've ever had the joy of experiencing.  She is attaching well to us and we can not remember what life was like before her.

So, going back to the subject line "Making our mess His message" - this is the goal of our lives, why we share so openly this journey we're on. The good, the bad, the ugly. The clean and the messy. Infertility is a part of our journey. It's a part of our learning how to trust God when it doesn't go according to our plan. When it doesn't go how we want it to go in our narrow view of life. It is part of our story to Bailey and the growing of our family. It has played into our passion for adoption and for living lives that glorify God. I hope that we can use our story to point people to the truth and hope found in Christ. Not by our doing but by His. If I was left to navigate this life on my own (these last few years especially), I'd be a train wreck.

Only God knows what the future holds. Maybe we'll try some treatments again some day. Maybe we won't. Maybe we won't need to. Maybe we'll adopt 2 more kids. Or 3. Or 13. Our goal is to be open to what God has in store and to not get in the way. And on the journey, make our mess His message.

United We Stand

It seems that daily we hear of another senseless act of hate. What more is there to say? This world is so lost. I may be definitely am tagging myself as a nerd here, but it reminds me of a scene in the second Lord of the Rings movie when the king ponders the question, "What can man do against such reckless hate?". Of course, he's referring to crazy non-human beast-men that enjoy feasting on man-flesh, but still...

The Aurora theater shooting, Sandy Hook, kidnappings, mall shootings, murders of law enforcement and politicians, bombings at the Boston Marathon, poison-laced letters. And this is just within our borders.

What is this world in which we find ourselves today?  What kind of world is Bailey going to grow up in?

We could debate the roots of it all until we're blue in the face and it won't get us anywhere. I can be doing more to make my community even a little bit better - love, care, help. I need to start with my own family, my neighbors, those in my community and town. I can't control other people, but I can control me. I can smile at the people I walk past. I can hold the door for the lady in front of or behind me. I can pause and ask the Lord to use me to show love to the waiter, the flight attendant, the grocery store clerk, the guy I so badly want to honk at in front of me.

If we continue on this downward spiral as a society, soon we'll all be so terrified to go outside the walls of our homes that any semblance of community will cease to exist and all interaction will be behind a touchscreen or computer. Perish the thought...(so I say from behind a touchscreen, with my headphones on to avoid conversation with those next to me on the plane)...who am I to even write these words. I fall so short.

Pray for Boston, pray for DC, and pray for the next community that will soon deal with the next tragedy.  

I love this cartoon from Huffington Post - I know it's just about sports, but portrays our country's spirit in times of tragedy. United we stand.

102. Thumb

Bailey sucks her thumb.  We figured this out about 30 seconds after meeting her.

102. She sucks her thumb so much that it is permanently pruned and discolored. I'm not gonna lie - it's a little gross. See for yourself.

Update on her relationship with Harold: Bailey is now smitten with Harold, so much so that she gets bashful and giggles every time she looks at that balding, butler statue. Another boyfriend...

Update on Zia - Zia received her exit papers so she is on her way home to the US! Her health is improving and will be in the US soon to receive the care she needs! Thanks to those that have been praying for this sweet little girl.